Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Sad News

This is an email my husband sent to a few people and since I am having trouble finding the right words, and his letter is so beautiful, I will just post his letter.

Well unfortunately I waited too long to write and now in this message I have to be the bearer of some sad news.

We lost our newest baby last night. Justin David Orr was born silently into this world at 7:15 p.m. on October 21, 2008. He weighed in at 2.3 ounces and measured 6 and 3/8 inches long. Becky was 5 months along, but the doctors say Justin passed away about 4 weeks ago. His cord had become twisted, and his little heart stopped beating.

I got a text from Becky on my way home from work Monday night. She had started bleeding a couple of days before and on Monday it became worse. When I arrived home, I found her sobbing. She said she hadn't felt the baby move in quite some time. We arranged for sitters for the other kids and immediately went to the medical clinic. They did a couple of tests and then called her doctor to come in from home. He searched for a heartbeat for the longest time, as our hearts began to sink. He finally rolled in an ultrasound machine and could find no heartbeat, and the baby's size was 4 weeks behind what it should have been. He scheduled an ultrasound the next day at the hospital so we would have a second opinion, but told us to take that night to prepare for the worst, because he was sure the baby was gone.

We spent that night looking up information on infant deaths in the womb. We have never dealt with this and never prepared for it. As we searched several sites on the internet, a page filled with infant sized coffins appeared, and Becky and I both broke down in tears, knowing what lay ahead of us.

The next day our worst fears were realized, and Becky was admitted to the delivery wing of the hospital to be induced. At 7:15 that night Justin was born. We were able to spend 2 hours alone in the room together with his little body. He fit in the palm of my hand and stretched from my fingertips to my wrist. His body was progressing perfectly, and we spent time holding his little hands, and touching his little feet. We both wished that time would never end, but also knew it was time to say goodbye, and let his body be taken. At the time, we had not known it was a boy as Becky had not had her ultrasound to determine the sex. A million things were going through my mind when I had an impression we needed to give the baby a name at least to help with our closure, and that the name should be Justin. As the nurse was filling out information sheets she asked if we had a name for our lost child. I asked Becky if she had thought about it and she said she felt strongly that we needed to name him Justin. I told her that I too had and impression what the name needed to be. It was a very special moment shared between us at such a bleak time.

Becky is home now and doing as well as can be expected. It has not been an easy day as we had the task of finding a funeral plot, and are scheduled to meet at the mortuary to finalize arrangements and pick a coffin. I do not envy parents who have to bury living children that they have bonded with and grown to love. My heart is broken and I can imagine no worse sorrow. As we found a special quote on the internet I will share. "How do you say goodbye to someone you never had a chance to welcome."

Becky and I set out to have a child, and she gave birth to an Angel.


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